ObamaCoin Promises Change

In a statement released today by the White House on bitcointalk.org, President Obama outlined yet another altcoin for the 99% Bitcoin Have-Not’s.  “ObamaCoin fuses the potential of virtual currencies with the efficiency of government.  It’s a coin for the common man, not Bitcoin Fat Cats.” he writes.  “unlike its boring predecessors, ObamaCoin promises Hope and Change.”

ObamaCoin-1The altcoin community, currently on spring break, has been teeming with excitement since the announcement.

“I don’t really understand the details,” said one Altcoiner-slash-Philosophy major.  “But after reading The Audacity of Hope, I realized that I didn’t really need to.”

“What this country really needs,” he added knowingly, “is more Change.  Like… a lot more.”

Experts say that indeed, ObamaCoin offers massive amounts of Change over previous altcoins.  “It is designed to create jobs.  You know, all that middle-class stuff everyone’s talking about.” said one Democrat-slash-Amateur Economist.  “For example, it has built in 20% inflation, to encourage spending.  Why save for later when you can spend now and stimulate the economy? A smart currency is one no one wants to be stuck with at the end of the day.  The moment you get an ObamaCoin, you’re going to want to spend it immediately.”

The intertubes.

The intertubes.

The new ObamaCoin is also 100% terrorist and drug-proof.  The blockchain, shepherded in the knowing hands of the NSA, is carefully managed in the best interests of society.  “Transactions for large-sized sugary drinks, cigarettes, or the WSJ are to be rejected out of hand.” said one benevolent NSA caretaker.  “The new ObamaCoin is going to make antisocial choices….. financially impossible.”

Experts say the new altcoin’s infrastructure is much more solid than those of predecessors.  It’s a massive national network of pneumatic tubes.  Transactions, scrawled on government stationery, are dispersed to Post Office nodes by governmental suction.  “Logging on is as simple as walking to the nearest Post Office or Federal Building.”  said the expert.  “It just feels right seeing your paper transaction receipt flowing pneumatically to someone’s desk: none of that digital BS.”

But delays have plagued the release of ObamaCoin.  “What was supposed to be a painless wait of 3-4 business days for confirmation from DC has become 3-4 weeks.”  said one outraged user.  It appears that most of the system’s pneumatic tubes were designed in metric and built in feet, resulting in severe data cloggage.  President Obama tried to comfort frustrated users.  “We’re working on unclogging everyone’s Internet Pipes.  Unionized governmental workers are installing the requisite handicapped access ramps as we speak.” obamacoin-pneumatic-tube

As the only virtual currency to have the full faith and guarantee of the United States Government, ObamaCoin is the world’s first virtual currency to have any intrinsic value whatsoever.  “Greenspan said so” said one ex-Bitcoiner, “and he’s pretty old, so it must be true.”  The new coin is fully backed by the US government, in perpetuity, sort of like how dollars used to be backed in perpetuity by gold.  “They are 100% guaranteed, for all time, at least until the next Presidential Election.”

Skeptics remain, however, raising concerns about the mysterious founder of ObamaCoin.  “Who has even heard of this ‘President Obama’ anyway?” said one local.  “It’s probably just some group of hackers from Kenya or Indonesia or wherever.”

 

To purchase ObamaCoin, send your antediluvian BTC to
1KaeWsfA8tbPYpUb1KEJaksWXcYPuMLoxJ
and someone from the Federal Government will contact you shortly.