Satoshi Nakamoto Revealed as Keanu Reeves

Keanu Reeves, the highly successful, mediocre actor, revealed himself to be the enigmatic Satoshi Nakamoto yesterday at a press conference. “I am the one,” said Keanu, “who will save us all,” he continued, “from reckless monetary policies.”

Keanu-Nakamoto-Bitcoin

Bitcoiners were at first stunned, then skeptical. “At first I did not believe,” said one doubter. “But then he touched my forehead and whispered my private key into my ear. Now I see. He is the one.” Some have started calling him “Keanu Nakamoto” or simply “New Jesus”. An entourage of hooded worshippers follow him everywhere, chanting hash in unison, “34ifSiCrHgiCP8njT, M2REBccq13uWPNHB8rYJXJvLaD, 3riXP66uXP!” On that final note Keanu Nakamoto lifted his index finger and the crowd fell silent. For several minutes he stared at them blankly. “Woh…..that was uh …. pretty sweet.”

Later on this journalist was given a tour of the blockchain by Keanu himself. “I don’t even see the hash anymore.” he said. “All I see is redhead, blonde, brunette.” The Prophet later offered this journalist a red pill which, when tried, turned out to be a Hot Tamale.

“Keanu, how does any of this make sense?” I asked. Suddenly,  wearing a black trench coat, he said, “The answer is out there, and it’s looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.”

Others have been less thrilled by the news. The price of Bitcoin tanked immediately after the announcement to $3/BTC. “I thought some smart Japanese guy was behind all this,” said one disillusioned investor. “I mean, it sounded smart. Right?”

Meanwhile the Bitcoin economy has gone into freefall and with it, the overweening smugness of many, previously rich Bitcoin investors. “It’s like I’ve woken up,” said one recently impoverished investor, “and realized what a smug douche I was; I wasn’t living in the real world. I’m not a rich, successful guy in a sleek urban environment; I’m plugged into to this fake network like everybody else, eating slurry and barely getting any exercise.”

Bitcoin businesses around the world have closed their doors. The founder of Bitpay prostrated himself before Congress, apologizing for succumbing to what was obviously, after all, “totally not a currency.” “It took Keanu Reeves for me to see that.” he added. “Just let it be a lesson for all of us. The next time you jump into something awesome, just fucking make sure Keanu Reeves wasn’t involved.”

A postcard found in circulation after the Revelation.

A postcard found in circulation after the Revelation.

Still, his followers grow daily, propagating his insane cultic message of monetary stability and low transactional costs. His teachings to central bankers of “Hey, woh, just be cool” continue to win converts. When one follower failed to add a transaction fee, he said to the miners, “Let ye who have always Reddit Tipped at a Lulz cast the first stone.” And they were shamed and included her transaction in the next block. “I can do everything through him who gives me mining capacity.” Keanu said vacantly. “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in Bitcoin; trust also in me.”

“Send to 13tHJ7tvtJ8htSAuJ53sRoSs9rG6tqX71E for eternal salvation” – Keanu Nakamoto

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